For God's Sake, Don't Plan! Part III: The Reckoning

So what to do? Perhaps you're considering bugging your agent, or even calling up your contact at the studio and asking if there's any news.

Don't do it, man.

You're asking for the studio to put you on the "pain in the ass" list. You have no idea how much work you're assigning them. Your contact will have to make up some kind of lie as to why they haven't gotten back to you yet. Sure, there are stock answers -- "We're putting our heads together on it," "Turgid Penis is out of town, but he's reading it on the plane;" "We're generating a notes document" -- but any junior executive worth his salt is going to want to spin these to make them sound original, and that takes time and effort and generates only resentment on his part as well as yours.

And, God forbid, what if the answer is "No?" They don't like it, they don't want it, it's dead? It's the worst possible scenario, and not for the reason you think.

Yes, your baby is blue and lifeless in the crib, but that's not the bad news. The bad news is, there’s no way you’re going to know why they said no. They'll give you a reason, but it will be a lie. Challenge them -- insist upon the real reason -- and you'll get another, purpose-built lie.

How am I so sure of this?

Because the odds are great that they themselves don't know why they said no.

There are simply too many variables for them to even parse their reasons for rejecting something. The conversation about the script may have gone on too long. (That's right -- if they talk about it long enough, the discussion loses steam, and it feels like the script itself has lost steam.) If it's a TV show, they may love it, but can't think of where to program it.

I once had a studio turn down my pitch for an animated TV series involving an ant because they heard that Tom Hanks might be doing some kind of movie that involved ants at a different studio and they didn't want to have to fight its juggernaut (the movie turned out to be "The Ant Bully," one of the few CGI bombs).

I once started pitching an animated film that involved a lake and was brought up short by the executive: "Pixar is doing something with water. No water. And after that they're doing something with cars, so are there any cars in this?"

I shit you not.

You're a writer. You're writing a screenplay. Even though directors think of screenplays as "a rough blueprint" for the movie, even though stars think of screenplays as "a jumping-off point" for their character (in both cases, I'm quoting), you must think of your script as your final product, as if it were a novel, to be made available at airports everywhere.

You make scripts. Make it the best script you can. Plan it. Front-load it. Write it. Then hustle it out the door, let it take the bus to college, and get back to your own life.